Any metal band worth its weight in riffs has a great lineup of merch. Usually, that doesn’t have to extend any farther than a killer t-shirt—whether it’s a vintage Judas Priest baseball tee or a faded Iron Maiden “Trooper” shirt featuring Eddy carrying the Union Jack.
But it doesn’t necessarily stop there. In recent years, a band’s merch offerings often go well beyond a simple t-shirt. Since the beginning of the Covid pandemic, for instance, just about everyone’s added fabric face masks to their repertoire, while other bands have gotten creative. Korn, for instance, sells a squishy Requiem stress doll.
But over the years it’s gotten much more bizarre than that. Sometimes a band will take a pun into cringe territory. Sometimes they’ll add their artwork to elaborate luxury drug paraphernalia. Sometimes they’ll even provide some accessories to spice up your sex life—branded with logos or encased in a deluxe box set of course.
Though some of them have since sold out or been discontinued, here are 10 of the weirdest, wildest, or just plain silliest merch items we’ve seen in our day.
Cephalic Carnage Vaporizer
It’s not uncommon to come across some weed-related merch in metal band’s online stores, and not just stoner metal bands either—even Anthrax has their own branded weed grinders. But grindcore outfit Cephalic Carnage might be the only band to have their artwork wrapped around a deluxe tabletop vaporizer. It’s the perfect gift for the discerning weed and extreme metal aficionado, perhaps, though not an inexpensive one at over $300.
Ghost Rosary
Anyone who has perused the Ghost merch store has probably seen some odd items pop up over the years, from kinky pleasure devices to scale Nascar models featuring Ghost’s logo on them (somehow that one’s the weirder of the two?). But given that this is a band fronted by a Satanic pope (of sorts), it’s only natural they lean into that lapsed Catholicism and offer their own branded rosary beads. If you need absolution, grasp these, do an act of contrition and recite “Cirice” 10 times.
In This Moment Blood Vial Necklace
Metalcore group In This Moment has historically had some pretty unconventional merch items for sale, like, for instance, a velveteen bag full of crystals. To match with their Blood 1983 EP—their synthwavey set of recreations of songs from their 2012 album Blood—they’ve introduced a blood vial necklace, which has since sold out. It has a crown logo design and comes with a pouch and numbered certificate, though the details are a little fuzzy on whether or not the blood comes with it. You probably (hopefully) have to supply that yourself.
Iron Maiden “Grillers” apron
Inviting over friends and family for a barbecue? Need something a little more metal than the “Kiss the Cook” apron you’ve stained with spice rub? Look no further than Iron Maiden’s online emporium for your cookout wear. The heavy metal legends have apparel and wares for every possible fan’s need, from puzzles to an Eddy bottle opener (use his mouth to open your beers! Actually, I kinda want that…). That, of course, includes a grilling apron. Committing to their best punnery, Iron Maiden offer one with the phrase “Grillers” embroidered on it. You know, because their second album was called Killers. We probably didn’t have to explain that to you. Bon appetit.
Mastodon “Asstodon” shorts
It’s amazing how much mileage metal bands can get out of a simple pun—who knew that metalheads were so big into dad jokes? Although considering how many metalheads are dads (and how many metal bands are, for that matter), it does stand to reason. Mastodon, a band otherwise known for having some fairly complex concept albums in their catalog, came up with a real howler when they introduced their own line of short shorts that say “Asstodon” on the posterior. They also previously sold a bikini that featured the same phrase, for the beachgoing hesher who literally wears their sense of humor on their backside.
Metallica Exit Light light switch plate cover/Enter Night sleep mask
As the biggest metal band in the world, Metallica always keep their merch store stocked with shirts, posters, novelties like Metallica Clue (It was Hetfield, in the Sanatorium, with Motorbreath!) and luxury items like the Metallica Pro-ject turntable. But Metallica also have your evening routine covered as well with a couple of items inspired by the chorus of their massive hit “Enter Sandman.” A few years back they introduced the “Exit Light” lightswitch plate cover, which unfortunately no longer appears to be available. However, in its place you can get their sleep mask, embroidered with the phrase “Enter Night” on it (get it??). Just slip one of those bad boys on and you’re off to Never Never Land.
Ozzy Osbourne plush bat
While four seasons of The Osbournes probably removed some of the mystique, Ozzy Osbourne was once the most dangerous man in rock music. At least as far as any kind of flying animal was concerned. He bit the head off a dove during a music industry event, and then a year later, in Des Moines, pulled a similar move with a bat that someone had thrown onstage. Accounts vary as to whether or not the bat was actually alive (and Ozzy was subsequently treated with rabies afterward) but nonetheless it remains part of heavy metal lore, commemorated in Ozzy’s own merch store with a plush bat with—wait for it—a removable head.
Rammstein dildo box set
Rammstein are known for their outlandish stage performances, the likes of which tend to feature some kinky, sadomasochistic activities. So if anyone was going to market a box of branded synthetic phalluses, it would be them. Back in 2009, they introduced a uniquely Rammstein box set—featuring six dildos, each one supposedly corresponding to a different member of the band (no pun intended) as well as a pair of handcuffs and lube, just in case the sex toys themselves weren’t enough. Add in some German industrial rock, and well, you’ve got yourself one wild night.
Sleep pillowcase
Bay Area stoner titans Sleep are second to none when it comes to doom metal paraphernalia, whether it’s catnip-filled pet toys in the shape of joints (i.e. weed for your furry little dudes) or their recent reissue of Dopesmoker with actual cannabis leaves pressed into the vinyl. However one of the more hilariously obvious items they’ve sold has nothing to do with weed at all, but rather a riff on their name. Back in 2013, the band sold a limited edition run of branded Sleep pillowcases. You know, because they’re Sleep? Pillow? Sleep? The ideal gift for those who wish to dream of weedian exploits.
Type O Negative condoms
Type O Negative is, perhaps, the most eroticized of all doom metal bands, both for the late Pete Steele’s Lestat-in-heat vampire croon and that one Playgirl shoot. Which also means that they’re the metal band most likely to soundtrack some amorous exploits. Which is where the official Type O Negative Casket Crew condom comes in—for practicing safe sex and responsible family planning. Siring a new victim, however, is entirely up to you. (And uh, dishonorable mention to their reissue of Origin of the Feces with scratch-and-sniff cover.)
