Let’s be honest: metalheads love spending money on something when it’s metal as hell. If Depends released a line of black adult diapers with a pentagram on the crotch called Unholy Feces Receptacles, headbangers would be safely crapping their pants overnight. At no time of year is this truer than Halloween, when every company is rebranding their products to celebrate a holiday surrounding death, gore, evil, and gluttony. Case in point, Heinz has recently rebranded their typical ketchup to get in on the Halloween spirit — and to be perfectly honest, we’re thinking of buying a bottle.
That’s right, as reported by Laughing Squid, for Halloween, Heinz is now selling ‘Tomato Blood,’ which is just ketchup except with the tacit understanding that the tomatoes used to make this delicious condiment were fucking murdered. From what we can tell, the tomatoes were all drinking and having sex at a party, and a masked fiend came in and gutted them one after another as they screamed for mercy. Then he added a bunch of salt and corn syrup to their remains.
Not only that, but the company is also now releasing a Heinz Tomato Blood Costume kit, which includes the following insane line-up of goodies:
- 20 OZ. botth of Tomato Blood
- Makeup palette
- Brush set
- Rhinestone sheet
- Tattoo sheet
- Vampire teeth
- Spooky eyelashes
The site even includes ketchup-based costuming tips, seemingly in ignorance of the fact that your kid will smell like rotting ketchup the entire time you take them trick-or-treating.
Look, on the one hand, this is arguably one of the most ridiculous product branding moves we’ve seen in a while. On the other, we can’t help but feel like this is actually kind of cool for metalheads. Metal fans want to eat blood and celebrate horror all year round — and when you think about it, when’s the last time you actually worked through a bottle of ketchup? Those things sit in your fridge forever! This way, hardcore death metal fans can put a dollop of blood on their food for the next two years.
Here’s a TV spot for the product which suggests that maybe it’s going to kill you in your sleep:
Words by Chris Krovatin