Few body parts have warranted the kind of musical worship that asses have. While lips get a lot of service (ha!), and deep eyes are always a good look (we’re on fire!), butts has consistently inspired musicians to sit down and pen hit songs about how they can’t look away from them and would very much like to interact with them. The problem for most rock and metal fans, however, is that these songs are usually hip-hop or pop tracks, and aren’t always our cup of tea. It’s hard to say you’re all about that bass when you tend to mix the bass out of most songs.
But hope is not lost for the anally-fixated. There are a handful of great songs out there about asses, butts, and backsides, which celebrate the behind with big riffs and soaring choruses. And while not all of these songs are about awesome things happening to someone’s behind — get ready for #4 — they still showcase an undeniable obsession with the badonk.
Get ready for the greatest list you’ve ever read…
10. Pain, “Pain In The Ass” (Coming Home, 2016)
Never forget that Hypocrisy frontman Peter Tägtgren is also the force behind Pain, a pervert industrial metal band who write songs like “Pain In The Ass.” And while asses aren’t the only private part focused on in this song — there’s also lyrics about chugging pee from a coffee cup and being on all fours dressed like Batman — lines like, “I’ll be your designated driver from behind/Turn around, don’t let me down” certainly make them a fundamental (HA!) part of the track. Not just a clever song title.
9. GWAR, “The Master Has A Butt” (We Kill Everything, 1999)
One might assume GWAR‘s song about the Master’s derriere is a hardcore disgusto-thrash anthem. But no — in classic fashion, Oderus and Co. manage to piss off even their diehard fans with “The Master Has A Butt,” which is a laid-back patio rock song about being a turd from the butt of their unholy space god. While this song sounds like it’d be performed by one of those bands who play brunch at down-home restaurants, its lyrics are GWAR up to the knuckle. The butt is the law.
8. Sodom, “Sodomy and Lust” (Persecution Mania, 1987)
Nothing gets a lover ready to try anal like icy German thrash! “Sodomy and Lust” is a vicious, speedy song whose lyrics bask in decadent sin while its music sounds like a cheese grater fucking a hubcap. With references to ptomaine (look it up) and “break[ing] their crust,” Sodom‘s first big hit is a little grosser than others, but it definitely gets the job done. Gotta love a band whose Twitter handle is @sodomized.
7. Mr. Bungle, “My Ass Is On Fire” (Mr. Bungle, 1991)
“It’s not funny, my ass is on fire…” Poetry that only clown-metallers Mr. Bungle could pen with any level of seriousness. While this jaunty, horn-infused track isn’t the paean to good booty that some of its list-mates are, its timelessness ability to make crowds of metal fans scream its title in public earns in a spot here, no questions asked. Well, maybe a couple of questions — clumps of hair in the sink? Boomerangs? Mike, Trey, what the fuck is going on in this motel room?
6. Steel Panther, “Goin’ In The Backdoor” (Lower the Bar, 2017)
Rock and metal have a long tradition of poorly-veiled metaphor, and few bands champion that like Steel Panther. Sure, “Goin’ In The Backdoor” could be about losing your keys, but if you don’t know what lyrics like “A little bit muddy, but it sure ain’t shut” are really about, then you gotta have a talk with your dad. Most rockers will probably find this song repulsive, but those of you looking to Steel Panther in the first place probably know what you’re in for. Worst closing line ever.
5. AC/DC, “Whole Lotta Rosie” (Let There Be Rock, 1977)
So look, “Whole Lotta Rosie” never specifically references the main character’s butt. But with lyrical measurements like “forty-two, thirty-nine, fifty-six,” one knows that the whole lotta reference here probably ain’t about how tall Rosie is. In classic fashion, AC/DC don’t make the track too gross, taking a too-much-woman-for-me stance about the girl in question. We’d be upset if these guys didn’t have an entry on this list.
4. Cannibal Corpse, “Meathook Sodomy” (Butchered at Birth, 1991)
Sometimes, bad things happen, even to asses (especially to asses), and Cannibal Corpse are here to write about it. “Meathook Sodomy” doesn’t waste time appreciating butts before tearing them open and using their revised size to let guts pour out of. While this might not make cut-offs sway live in concert, it certainly gives the listener a mental image of nothing other than someone bent over. Assume the position.
3. ZZ Top, “Tush” (Fandango!, 1975)
Old Jewish readers of The Pit might decry ZZ Top for pronouncing the title of this song ‘tUHsh’ when ‘tOOsh’ is the proper usage, but the message of this track comes through no matter how you say it. The Top don’t go all-out in describing the contours of their desired quarry, but the song’s rhythms certainly get it swaying back and forth. In that respect, ZZ Top are probably the most tush-oriented band on this list — these dudes make tailfeathers shake the world over. Lord, take me downtown.
2. Spinal Tap, “Big Bottom” (Smell the Glove, 1984)
Though written as a parody of sex-crazed metal bands, “Big Bottom” is an undeniable classic in the halls of songs about the caboose. With lyrics like “Talk about mud flaps — my girl’s got ‘em” and “Big game is waiting there inside her tights,” the track quickly transcended comedy and became a rock classic. Perhaps most impressive is the bass work of Spinal Tap‘s lukewarm water Derek Smalls, whose low-end does justice to all the low ends out there. It’s your lucky bun-day.
1. Queen, “Fat Bottomed Girls” (Jazz, 1978)
Leave it to the ultimate arena rockers to write the great empowerment anthem of zaftig women. Queen’s stompin’-rock track tells the tale of a dude whose prowess in the sack stems from bedding a big woman for his first time (even if it was shadily his “naughty nanny”). The song’s upbeat tone also keeps the song from being another slavering tribute to the male gaze, urging big-bootied women to get on their bikes and ride as they take over the world with the power of their figures. A track that all rock fans can get behind.
Words by Chris Krovatin