Jon Bon Jovi Announces New Collaboration with Darkthrone

Few hard rock bands have courted the massive mainstream appeal as arena-rock hit-makers Bon Jovi. However, it now appears that frontman Jon Bon Jovi has turned his attention towards the putrid underground of black metal, having announced that his next album will be a collaboration with Norwegian cultists Darkthrone.

“For years, I’ve written about the pluck of everyday people living in New Jersey,” Jon Bon Jovi said in an interview with Expecting Mothers Weekly. “But the COVID lockdown hit while I was visiting family in New Brunswick, so I actually spent the last year or so in the Garden State, and man, it’s depressing. Like, have you ever been to Patterson? That place looks like a different apocalypse hits it every morning.

“Slowly, as the despair of living in the Dirty Jerz overwhelmed my soul, I started looking to darker music,” continued JBJ. “Eventually, my cousin Tony lent me The Cult Is Alive by Darkthrone, and I just knew that someone understood my agony. So I called up Fenriz, and he said he was down to work together.”

“Yeah, Jon got super into black metal,” said Bon Jovi guitarist Phil X with a shrug and an exacerbated sigh when contacted by The Pit. “He keeps hissing at me now and demanding we call him ‘Qlippoth.’ ‘S weird, man.”

“I think it goes without saying that Jon Bon Jovi is the greatest musical blasphemer of our time,” said Darkthrone’s Fenriz in a public statement. “Music might be the only thing I hold sacred in my life, and listening to songs like ‘Wanted Dead or Alive’ and ‘Born to Be My Baby,’ I realized that they’re crimes against the one thing that I consider worthwhile. A chance to reach that level of heresy and sonic evil is something Noctuno [Culto, guitarist/vocalist of Darkthrone] and I couldn’t pass up.

“Fun fact: on the cover of Transilvanian Hunger, I’m actually singing one of the WHOAs from ‘Livin’ On A Prayer,'” added Fenriz.

At press time, Bon Jovi and Fenriz were in a heated debate over the phone about whether their upcoming album should be named We Will Camp On God’s Grave or Brews with Mario.

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Words by Hank Callsy