Most people look back on their wedding day as either a blur of timeless joy or the most stressful occasion they’ve ever been a part of. The reason for the latter is pretty clear: a lack of grindcore. We all know that the people who are happiest with their weddings as those that use them to blast bloodthirsty death metal on amphetamines, to the point where divorce rates and grindcore avoidance have become scientifically linked (statistic TBA). Which is why we’re so happy to see that one couple did things right by getting married to Napalm Death‘s “You Suffer.”
Though the video of the couple in question doesn’t use their names, what really matters is that they get married to Napalm Death’s three-second track off of their 1987 debut Scum. The groom of this happy union takes a moment before their first “dance” to say, “Neither of us really like dancing that much so we settled on…it’s kind of a shorter song. It’s kind of an older one. So…it won’t take too long.” Then these cuties vamp for three seconds, and their family bursts into applause. It’s the type of scene that you’ve always dreamed of as you lay in bed wondering when your death metal prince will come and take you away.
“’Allowing the Carvings for Mutual Compassion’ by Last Days of Humanity was a couple seconds too long,” wrote the poster in the video’s caption, “so we settled on ‘You Suffer.’” (“Allowing…” clocks in at a hefty six seconds, for the record).
Watch these sweethearts tie the knot around someone’s throat below:
Mazel tov to these little lovebirds, whoever they are! We hope that their wedding lasts eighty trillion “You Suffer” rotations over (which we’re sure is like 14 hours, so let’s hope for even longer than that).
For the record, here’s the sprawling Napalm Death original:
Words by Chris Krovatin