It’s well known that The Black Dahlia Murder vocalist Trevor Strnad isn’t just a spokesman, he’s a member. The Michigan death metal frontman is tireless in his promotion and support of bands from across metal’s broad horizon. Whether it’s wearing their shirts onstage or shouting them out in his Obituarist column, metal bands the world over know they have a friend in Strnad.
Christmas music? Not as much Trevor’s thing. And yet this year sees The Black Dahlia Murder hosting Yule ‘Em All, a livestream extravaganza featuring skits, holiday shenanigans, and the band performing in a church. The more we watched the trailer for this madcap event, the more we wondered if Trevor actually has a secret love of all things merry and bright. So we decided to reach out to him and find out which Christmas songs get his eggnog stiff — and which ones leave coal in his stocking. In return,
“I like Christmas music,” says Trevor. “I honestly do. Even Mariah Carey. There’s really only one song so terrible, so fucking horrible, that it belongs in the worst Christmas song ever category. I would turn back now if I were you. Certainly don’t click play on the provided YouTube link. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
Here’s what Trevor left under our tree…
THE BEST CHRISTMAS SONGS
Andy Williams, “Happy Holiday/The Holiday Season”
“This classic reminds of working at Frank’s Nursery And Crafts during Christmas season of 1997. They would play Christmas music ALL DAY LONG from opening ‘til close. I was the guy who lifted Christmas trees off the poles and tied them to your car. I always had scratches up and down my arms and was permanently covered in sap. It’s enough to drive a person mad after a while! This particular jam I did not know prior and always stood out as a real yuletide banger. I enjoy the sock line. I like to imagine a real curmudgeon type singing this instead of ol’ Andy…I bet Jack Palance could have totally killed this righteous jam.”
Paul McCartney, “Wonderful Christmastime”
“This song fucks and you know it. I love the shoddy synth part that almost seems off-time at certain points. I get the feeling that this song was thought up in all of about five minutes in total. I can respect.”
Wham!, “Last Christmas”
“This is the only Christmas song you’re allowed to listen to when it’s not Christmas. I love all things Wham! and George Michael. No, I’m not kidding.”
The Chipmunks, “The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don’t Be Late)”
“Damn, this takes me back! My parents had this on vinyl and played it a lot for us youngsters in the early ’80s. This came out right during the hula hoop craze of 1958 (mentioned in the song). What a clever product placing tie in. Funny to think of the hula hoop as something that was invented…it’s a fucking circle. Imagine a time before anyone thought to put a hoop around their waist and twist around like an asshole…it’s tough, I know.”
Tales From The Crypt, “Deck The Halls With Parts of Charlie”
“Taken from the outstanding Crypt Keeper Christmas album Have Yourself A Scary Little Christmas. This is the mother of all Christmas albums and I highly recommend seeking it out. Crypt Keeper is dressed up like a maggot ridden Santa and has more puns waiting for you than every Municipal Waste song combined. You’ll laugh! You’ll cry! You’ll cringe!!!”
Joe Pesci, “If It Doesn’t Snow This Christmas”
“Gotta love a good tongue in cheek song that roasts Santa as being a fat ass. This song is honestly the highest point of Joe’s career (aside from being the villain in Moonwalker) so props to him. Three thumbs way up.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hawOAtZcW9o&feature=youtu.be
…AND THE ONE HE FUCKING HATES
NewSong, “The Christmas Shoes”
“JESUS CHRIST, I HATE THIS. I’ve got a great idea! Let’s make a Christmas song about a mom that has cancer and exploit people for pity bucks!!! Who is this song ultimately for? Do people who lost someone to cancer around the holidays want to be reminded about it each year by this dumb ass song? I’m completely baffled! Every single thing about this is so fucking corny. The video is like a searing hot poker to the eyeball. Also, what kid knows their mom’s shoe size? I don’t even know when my mom’s birthday is. I don’t buy it. Fuck this song and everyone involved. Well, not Rob Lowe. He’s pretty great.”
***
Words by Chris Krovatin
