Every dad out there can agree that there are some stupid jokes that just can’t be resisted. Sure, the world may groan and roll its collective eyes at you for cracking these absolutely cornball gags, but it’s comedic money on the table right there if you’re not going to take a ridiculous pun and run with it. Now, Hatebreed frontman Jamey Jasta had proved himself more dad than any of us will ever be by announcing the release of the band’s newest merch item: Jasta Pasta.
In a post on his Instagram, the hardcore frontman revealed his new line of Italian carbs, saying, “We’ve officially begun production on #JastaPasta and this batch came out AMAZING! We will start taking pre-orders at Martyrstore.net next week!! LINK IN BIO! My Perseverance Penne is the bomb and this is the first of many great pastas to come! Randy’s Rigatoni @drandallblythe ?! Miret’s Macaroni @rogermiret ? How about some Suicidal Spaghetti ?! @suicidaltendencies Move over Barilla there’s a haaaarrrrrd chef coming through!!! You want some Fafara Farfalle ?! @dezfafara let’s gooooo!! What about some @georgecorpsegrinder capellini or some Zetro Ziti @zetrodus ?! Leave a comment and lemme know!”
The package also includes the lyrics, “This pasta, it fuels me/The flavor, excites me/The texture is perfect/It makes me rock harder!!”
When asked for further information on this product, Jasta kissed his pinched fingers and then stirred a large pot of marinara sauce, which he insisted on calling “a gravy.”
More than anything, Hatebreed must be commended for doing something that more bands should try: putting zero effort into a merch idea. So many artists strive so hard to find the right merchandise options for their specific fanbase, but Hatebreed noticed their singer’s name rhymes with an easily-produced foodstuff, so now we have Jasta Pasta. If only more metal bands sat around saying their members’ names softly to themselves, we’d get more original band merch (though names would be less interesting, as there’s little that rhymes with ‘Emeritus’ and ‘Nergal’).
Hatebreed’s Jasta Pasta is available for preorder.
Words by Chris Krovatin